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swtpolaris4
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Name: Stephana
Gender: Female
Interests: the Met, Lincoln Center, Carnegie Hall, Tea: Jasmine Green Tea, International News, Books, Shakespeare, "CSI", "House", "Grey's Anatomy," Classic Rock- Queen, Led Zepplin, U2, PInk Floyd. Humming Urban Stereo... everything basically with minor exceptions... but what doesn't change is my interest in God and Christianity...^_______________^
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
4/7/2002
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| I don't know why but lately my brain's been swarming with thoughts about life, my life.
I feel partly because it's my last year in college, partly because of my drama classes, and partly because of current circumstances.
I've realized that I've really changed since freshman year. I'm more ambitious (in a way), I'm more worried, I'm more open to my options. I'm not narrow-minded to what I can do but I want to take chances. But at the same time, I'm scared out of my brains...not because I have to find a full-time job, not because I'm "going out to the real world" now but because.... (i dunno)
Lately I've been having this underlying feeling of sadness... it's not because i'm sad over something but, I feel like there is something sad about life even though things are great.
I've also come to realize that life is just the beginning. I can change many times before I die and that's ok. I'm never too old to start anew- this is a scary thought to me and I don't know how to handle it sometimes.
Yea... I don't know where this is going but all I can conclude, I guess, is that there is no conclusion at all. 'Cause even if you come to a conclusion, it'll change. So yea~
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| so i did Stand up comedy for 5 mins. ^^;;; in june
and now it's the second week of NextGen~
it's alright.... but i'm so looking foward to restaurant week!!!!
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| summer break isn't starting off so well~
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| thanks for the encouraging words tim, debbie, sarah, and chongeun unnie!
i'm over it, sort.
more than dwelling on it, i'm just thinking about the ways to go foward.
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| how empty this room is. everything feels dead, cold. Nothing seems to stand out. is anyone here? i feel a slight breeze here and there but i don't see anything. i feel all alone, like there's no more hope. Or that i just want to jump to the end. all i can say is take me away, far away. take me to a place where i know for sure there is warmth. That there is someone that can keep me safe.
today God broke me. he showed me that i live in a broken family. i know absolutely nothing about my family. This concept of family is so weird once you think about it. we're strangers excluding the genes. he showed me how alone and hateful this place called home can be. how i can feel like crap again. my dad is dead to me. i can no longer truly place my trust in him everytime i call him dad because i know he has faults that Jesus doesn't have. i don't know, maybe i've gone too far but you know what, he's not that great from the start. and i was just fooled. i cannot rely on him any longer like i have.
I'm going to totally regreat writing this but i need an outlet. for the first time, i felt that if i wasn't here at home, they wouldn't really care. they would just live like they normally did and wouldn't have to hear me yell or nag.
i don't know what to do./feel.
i'm sad,
i feel alone.
i'm angry.
i feel nonexistent.
i feel useless,
i feel i don't belong.
i feel i have no where to go.
i want it all to end. life.
i'm such a ruggle. a drama queen. i'm such a baby.
do you know why? all of this. this entry is because my dad smoked inside the house. how stupid i'm i.
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